An amazingly poignant read from a perspective we do not often get to hear from. The stigma that both clients and providers face in the space of sex work is difficult to bear. Reading this as a sex worker who has recently retired, is healing. What you wrote encapsulates the main reason I stayed for so long. Regardless of what people *think* of sex work, within it, there *is* healing.
This piece brought back so many memories of friends. Friends who were sex workers. Friends who were clients. The care offered and received was what struck me over the years. And made me wonder why I wasn’t a client, but back then maybe the friendship meant more than the touch. Touch is sacred for many of us, and as I age? I see it more clearly. As I age, I become invisible. And touch? Very rare now.
I’m neurodivergent in a different way, AD/HD. So I get the periphery. The edge of a different coin, perhaps.
In my case, I’m not free to explore. But. Truth? I work with an incredibly skilled masseuse. Touch. For me it never leads anywhere. But, it has become a very important part of a life where touch is rare.
The stigma bothers me too. I never talk about massage, because even without sex, there is stigma. Even though this person is a master (mistress?) of qi manipulation. Stigma.
This was such a heartwarming read. What matters is a company of soul, a presence, to enlighten our dull beings. I enjoyed the story sm, I was hooked the entire time, and at last it left me in awe of how greatly you've presented it. Thankyou sm for sharing it with us 🫶🏻
This is so beautiful ❤️ thank you for writing this, I’m literally crying in the bath reading this. As a sex worker, it breaks my heart that there is still so much shame and stigma, but stories like these really help 🙏
This is so beautiful I came back to read it again.
I have so many random thoughts about this. Going to word vomit here.
One of my favorite clients, George, is married. He is just....awesome. Hilarious man. Trapped in a really loveless marriage and staying for the kids. Needs to buck up and leave, in my opinion. I definitely have feelings for him.
George has only seen a few escorts, ever. One was a Russian girl. It's incredibly common in the US, there are pipelines for beautiful Russian or Ukrainian women to come here. When you go to pick one, on any site, you will see SO many beautiful Russians.
They are often managed through bookers...madams, pimps, whatever you want to call them. Some of them are independent. But many are managed (or they start out managed). They live in escort apartments from the agency, traveling between major cities, touring. The agency does the photoshoot. The agency makes the ads. The agency makes the site. They spend a few years in the US, often with their face out, make bank, and then go back home.
Think that through. Think about that being your life. Apartment to apartment. Seeing random people. They do have friends (eachother!). They do have family back home. I've talked to a few and they prefer to have the booker. They have no idea how to do the advertising themselves, it's easy enough, they say the clients are nice enough. The booker tells the clients the rules. They vet them.
I have no idea what Irania's situation was, but sometimes it's this. Or it started out like this.
So my client, George, saw this Russian girl. As his escort. And they had a fun night. And then he saw her again, platonically, for lunch. She was just lonely. And he was lonely too. And they were in the same city. And they got lunch. He probably gave her a bit of money for this, but mostly they liked just being there and sharing things as people.
Another client, Adam, has a thing for Ukrainians. He always give me the updates on his adventures when I see him. Definitely has an addictive personality, definitely addicted to sex. And the moments that he shares with these women...he described how often when they meet him, they don't want to leave at the end of the date. He is a high volume man. This is a large sample size. Our theory is that they just like his warmth. They don't want to go back to work, to the other men.
Sex workers are really complicated people. It's not always a sob story, a bad situation, but if someone is extending you love it can be from a very very honest place. For a million reasons.
A sex worker has seen it all. Taller, richer, hotter, funnier. We, slowly, through learning lessons, figure out that we should be attracted to the things that result in peace. Gentleness. Humanity. Authenticity. Openness. Kindness.
Sometimes we can't beat our demons, can't beat whatever in us also like power and money because it we think it will make us safe. But we also learn attraction to the important things.
I am currently have confusing feelings for a client. Actually, two.
When I reflect on this, I just know:
1) People experience real, beautiful emotions during the escorting transaction. On both sides.
2) It feels really good to make someone feel loved.
3) The transaction. The wanting money. The needing money. It makes it all so hard lol.
The looping arm thing you mentioned. I instinctively have done that with the two clients I like. I don't do it with the clients I don't feel warmth towards.
Thanks for writing such an extensive comment, Vera—I’m really glad my piece continues to resonate with you :)
I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of what we call “real” in these kinds of connections. I think both sides—client and provider—can feel a flicker of something genuine, something human, even beautiful… but there's always this faint echo of delusion because, well, it started with a transaction. That initial exchange is what allowed the meeting to even happen. Without it, maybe our paths wouldn’t have crossed at all.
When you mention George—the married guy you like—I found that part particularly interesting. What is it about him that pulls you in emotionally? Is it his humour? His loneliness? Or maybe the fact that he’s taken, and there's something quietly thrilling in that distance, the unreachability of it?
(I’m just curious, by the way—no pressure at all to reply if it feels too personal.)
As for Irina, I do believe the arm-loop was instinctive. It felt like something that came from warmth—not performance. And in that moment, I genuinely forgot about everything that had come before: the money, the setup, the context.
It was just her and me, human to human, in a shared moment. I felt... held.
But later, that emotional high collides with the other reality—that however warm it felt, however meaningful it was to me, there’s still the layer where I’m primarily a paying client.
And if I were to ask her, openly and sincerely, “Would you still want to see me if there was nothing in it for you financially?”... I fear the answer would be no.
And I’d understand that. But it still creates this painful internal split—because it means I’m constantly holding two opposing truths in my mind: that the moment felt deeply human, and that it was also paid for.
That’s what I struggle with most. That MASSIVE cognitive dissonance. Because when the emotional part is strong enough, it feels real—at least for a while. And maybe that’s what keeps me coming back. Not just for sex or company, but for that fleeting moment when the illusion and the humanity blur just enough to feel like something more.
It is 100% his personality, brain, status that pull me in. He is stupidly charming, but weird looking. I just can’t get enough of him, he is so weird and silly and brilliant. We have fantastic banter.
The two truths are both true.
A provider not seeing you for free or giving you tons of time for free is primarily about her business. Pursing a real relationship could screw that all up. Often, women only want to leave their business for a provider man. A man who can easily match the high income she is used to.
In fact, when escorts and clients fall in love, it is common for the client to offer a “buy out”. And move the provider in as girlfriend, with a monthly allowance or lump sum to compensate for lost income.
Most companions, when they are shopping around for real relationships, gravitate towards buy out offers / spoiled girlfriend situations (as the income/support/financial help allows them to maintain financial independence while in the new relationship).
Or, sometimes providers find a normal partner who is okay with them escorting while in relationship.
As a normal client, the closest you’ll get to the genuine feelings is probably being one of her favorites. Being a person she likes touching, talking to, and spending time with. That should flatter you massively
Relationships and sex for free are far more complicated
I felt this piece to my very bones. The things and feelings you’ve described are the things I felt throughout my whole life. Constant disappointment and overwhelming shame over not quite fitting in anywhere, being watched but not seen, being listened to but not heard, always feeling like you are nit truly important to someone, or at least not as important as they are to you. So you give and give and give but still you remain alone and you just wonder where did it all go wrong. This is beautifully written, I felt every word. “But others walk through life half-seen, half-held, half-heard.”-this line stuck with me because that is exactly what I feel.
I am glad this piece resonated with you Natalija and thank you for the kind words.
I am sorry and sad to hear that you are experiencing this way of life also. It can be very crippling at times. With that said, I am grateful that people such as yourself are so kind here on Substack and it really is a beautiful community.
I hope we can continue to make others feel less lonely through our writing.
this piece broke me and pieced me back together whole. it rearranged me like you were in your story. i loved everything about this and i am so glad that this beautiful interaction isn’t fiction 🤍
Thank you so much yashvi—there are very few instances in our lives that create a ripple effect, and Irina (Ирина) from this encounter was one of them 🙏🏽
oh my friend. your voice, both literally and through your written words, was made for storytelling. I am so grateful that you chose to tell your story. I am only 2 minutes into reading and listening but I had to tell you as soon as I could: you are brilliant and I am so glad to know you and your story. 💌
An amazingly poignant read from a perspective we do not often get to hear from. The stigma that both clients and providers face in the space of sex work is difficult to bear. Reading this as a sex worker who has recently retired, is healing. What you wrote encapsulates the main reason I stayed for so long. Regardless of what people *think* of sex work, within it, there *is* healing.
The stigma of sex work annoys me the most... it really does.
For someone neurodivergent or on the periphery of life, it makes all the sense in the world.
Also, presence is a rare commodity nowadays, so why not pay for a glimpse of humanity before the digital age?
This piece brought back so many memories of friends. Friends who were sex workers. Friends who were clients. The care offered and received was what struck me over the years. And made me wonder why I wasn’t a client, but back then maybe the friendship meant more than the touch. Touch is sacred for many of us, and as I age? I see it more clearly. As I age, I become invisible. And touch? Very rare now.
I’m neurodivergent in a different way, AD/HD. So I get the periphery. The edge of a different coin, perhaps.
In my case, I’m not free to explore. But. Truth? I work with an incredibly skilled masseuse. Touch. For me it never leads anywhere. But, it has become a very important part of a life where touch is rare.
The stigma bothers me too. I never talk about massage, because even without sex, there is stigma. Even though this person is a master (mistress?) of qi manipulation. Stigma.
Thanks so much for commenting, Christopher.
It is a sobering truth, but also very harrowing to admit that as we age, we cease to become relevant and experience the hardship of turning invisible.
I saw Irina again recently today and this time around, in case we don't meet again, I had written her a thank you note in my semi-broken Russian.
At the very least, a heart felt gratitude note should be left for the incredible service they provide.
I never take human presence for granted, because it is so rare these days.
All one has to do is look around and it is not long before you spot someone on their phone.
Utterly bought into the zeitgeist.
Utterly devoid of what it means to be human.
It is a saddening state of affairs.
This was such a heartwarming read. What matters is a company of soul, a presence, to enlighten our dull beings. I enjoyed the story sm, I was hooked the entire time, and at last it left me in awe of how greatly you've presented it. Thankyou sm for sharing it with us 🫶🏻
No problem, Misty and thank you for the kind words. Much appreciated 🙏🏽
This reminded me of the movie Lost in Translation, have you seen it?
Hey Brian, no, I haven’t unfortunately. But, I’ll be sure to check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.
Let me know what you think!
Interesting, when I read this part: But the second—the rare “I-You”—is when one soul meets another in full presence, without agenda, without disguise.
I Immediately thought of Avatar, when the Navi says I see you, Jack Scully.... or I can see your soul... :D Subscribed!
Thank you, I am glad the piece resonated with you :)
This is so beautiful ❤️ thank you for writing this, I’m literally crying in the bath reading this. As a sex worker, it breaks my heart that there is still so much shame and stigma, but stories like these really help 🙏
Thank you, Dora. I’m really moved that this piece reached you. 🙏🏽
Sex workers offer more than just sex—they offer something many of us have gone our whole lives without: being met without flinching.
A few years ago, I was living in near-constant suicidal ideation.
It wasn’t therapy that shifted things.
It was being held—without judgment, without agenda.
It was moments like these that started to bring me back.
I write about it not to sensationalise, but to honour that truth.
To show how these women don’t just offer relief—they offer repair.
Not just for me, but for anyone who’s ever felt unseen.
And if it helps even one reader feel a little less alone—then that’s the real work.
This is a true love story, pure and bold.
Thank you, Astrid.
This is so beautiful I came back to read it again.
I have so many random thoughts about this. Going to word vomit here.
One of my favorite clients, George, is married. He is just....awesome. Hilarious man. Trapped in a really loveless marriage and staying for the kids. Needs to buck up and leave, in my opinion. I definitely have feelings for him.
George has only seen a few escorts, ever. One was a Russian girl. It's incredibly common in the US, there are pipelines for beautiful Russian or Ukrainian women to come here. When you go to pick one, on any site, you will see SO many beautiful Russians.
They are often managed through bookers...madams, pimps, whatever you want to call them. Some of them are independent. But many are managed (or they start out managed). They live in escort apartments from the agency, traveling between major cities, touring. The agency does the photoshoot. The agency makes the ads. The agency makes the site. They spend a few years in the US, often with their face out, make bank, and then go back home.
Think that through. Think about that being your life. Apartment to apartment. Seeing random people. They do have friends (eachother!). They do have family back home. I've talked to a few and they prefer to have the booker. They have no idea how to do the advertising themselves, it's easy enough, they say the clients are nice enough. The booker tells the clients the rules. They vet them.
I have no idea what Irania's situation was, but sometimes it's this. Or it started out like this.
So my client, George, saw this Russian girl. As his escort. And they had a fun night. And then he saw her again, platonically, for lunch. She was just lonely. And he was lonely too. And they were in the same city. And they got lunch. He probably gave her a bit of money for this, but mostly they liked just being there and sharing things as people.
Another client, Adam, has a thing for Ukrainians. He always give me the updates on his adventures when I see him. Definitely has an addictive personality, definitely addicted to sex. And the moments that he shares with these women...he described how often when they meet him, they don't want to leave at the end of the date. He is a high volume man. This is a large sample size. Our theory is that they just like his warmth. They don't want to go back to work, to the other men.
Sex workers are really complicated people. It's not always a sob story, a bad situation, but if someone is extending you love it can be from a very very honest place. For a million reasons.
A sex worker has seen it all. Taller, richer, hotter, funnier. We, slowly, through learning lessons, figure out that we should be attracted to the things that result in peace. Gentleness. Humanity. Authenticity. Openness. Kindness.
Sometimes we can't beat our demons, can't beat whatever in us also like power and money because it we think it will make us safe. But we also learn attraction to the important things.
I am currently have confusing feelings for a client. Actually, two.
When I reflect on this, I just know:
1) People experience real, beautiful emotions during the escorting transaction. On both sides.
2) It feels really good to make someone feel loved.
3) The transaction. The wanting money. The needing money. It makes it all so hard lol.
The looping arm thing you mentioned. I instinctively have done that with the two clients I like. I don't do it with the clients I don't feel warmth towards.
Thanks for writing such an extensive comment, Vera—I’m really glad my piece continues to resonate with you :)
I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of what we call “real” in these kinds of connections. I think both sides—client and provider—can feel a flicker of something genuine, something human, even beautiful… but there's always this faint echo of delusion because, well, it started with a transaction. That initial exchange is what allowed the meeting to even happen. Without it, maybe our paths wouldn’t have crossed at all.
When you mention George—the married guy you like—I found that part particularly interesting. What is it about him that pulls you in emotionally? Is it his humour? His loneliness? Or maybe the fact that he’s taken, and there's something quietly thrilling in that distance, the unreachability of it?
(I’m just curious, by the way—no pressure at all to reply if it feels too personal.)
As for Irina, I do believe the arm-loop was instinctive. It felt like something that came from warmth—not performance. And in that moment, I genuinely forgot about everything that had come before: the money, the setup, the context.
It was just her and me, human to human, in a shared moment. I felt... held.
But later, that emotional high collides with the other reality—that however warm it felt, however meaningful it was to me, there’s still the layer where I’m primarily a paying client.
And if I were to ask her, openly and sincerely, “Would you still want to see me if there was nothing in it for you financially?”... I fear the answer would be no.
And I’d understand that. But it still creates this painful internal split—because it means I’m constantly holding two opposing truths in my mind: that the moment felt deeply human, and that it was also paid for.
That’s what I struggle with most. That MASSIVE cognitive dissonance. Because when the emotional part is strong enough, it feels real—at least for a while. And maybe that’s what keeps me coming back. Not just for sex or company, but for that fleeting moment when the illusion and the humanity blur just enough to feel like something more.
It is 100% his personality, brain, status that pull me in. He is stupidly charming, but weird looking. I just can’t get enough of him, he is so weird and silly and brilliant. We have fantastic banter.
The two truths are both true.
A provider not seeing you for free or giving you tons of time for free is primarily about her business. Pursing a real relationship could screw that all up. Often, women only want to leave their business for a provider man. A man who can easily match the high income she is used to.
In fact, when escorts and clients fall in love, it is common for the client to offer a “buy out”. And move the provider in as girlfriend, with a monthly allowance or lump sum to compensate for lost income.
Most companions, when they are shopping around for real relationships, gravitate towards buy out offers / spoiled girlfriend situations (as the income/support/financial help allows them to maintain financial independence while in the new relationship).
Or, sometimes providers find a normal partner who is okay with them escorting while in relationship.
As a normal client, the closest you’ll get to the genuine feelings is probably being one of her favorites. Being a person she likes touching, talking to, and spending time with. That should flatter you massively
Relationships and sex for free are far more complicated
A beautiful read. As an escort (who feels too much!) I could not stop reading.
That is beautiful to hear, Vera. Thank you for reading and commenting 🙏🏽
Wow, just wow. You are talented in more ways then I can even describe.
Thank you for sharing this story. It was absolutely captivating.
Thanks for the kind words 🙏🏽 Glad you liked it.
I felt this piece to my very bones. The things and feelings you’ve described are the things I felt throughout my whole life. Constant disappointment and overwhelming shame over not quite fitting in anywhere, being watched but not seen, being listened to but not heard, always feeling like you are nit truly important to someone, or at least not as important as they are to you. So you give and give and give but still you remain alone and you just wonder where did it all go wrong. This is beautifully written, I felt every word. “But others walk through life half-seen, half-held, half-heard.”-this line stuck with me because that is exactly what I feel.
I am glad this piece resonated with you Natalija and thank you for the kind words.
I am sorry and sad to hear that you are experiencing this way of life also. It can be very crippling at times. With that said, I am grateful that people such as yourself are so kind here on Substack and it really is a beautiful community.
I hope we can continue to make others feel less lonely through our writing.
I feel the kindness you’re talking about and it is extremely comforting, we will definitely continue to help each other out :)
this piece broke me and pieced me back together whole. it rearranged me like you were in your story. i loved everything about this and i am so glad that this beautiful interaction isn’t fiction 🤍
Thank you so much yashvi—there are very few instances in our lives that create a ripple effect, and Irina (Ирина) from this encounter was one of them 🙏🏽
oh my friend. your voice, both literally and through your written words, was made for storytelling. I am so grateful that you chose to tell your story. I am only 2 minutes into reading and listening but I had to tell you as soon as I could: you are brilliant and I am so glad to know you and your story. 💌
This warms my heart, I am glad you think so. Thank you so much 🙏🏽
Such visceral imagery. Thank you for the kind words 🙏🏽