That's a very tough read. I actually find my hands very slightly shaking. I've not thought of life framed from that perspective because it's not in my nature to allow myself what some would see as weakness. I wrestle those feelings into some form of submission while I am forced to be immersed in them. When I think I've found one of those sought after rooms is when they break free and I must stare them down if I am ever to have a hope of living with them more comfortably, or banishing them entirely. The latter is likely a fools hope for me.
So I do what I am most comfortable with. I wrestle them into submission when I must, and ignore them when I can no longer keep them pinned. At all times however, they are sitting in my pocket, or on my shoulders, never far from influence.
Leaving the abstract behind momentarily, what this means for me is that somehow, in a manner unclear to me I developed the ability to be aware of those feelings but to also partition them somehow ( best way I can explain it ) to a place where a small part of me can actively fight them while the rest of me wears a mannerism that screams "Im not approachable".
It's an uneasy thing, especially when I give it any attention. The smallest acknowledgement seems to bring those aspects of me closer to the front. I do not know if I am getting the message how you meant to give it, or if I am way off base, but I also think maybe that's not so important. I'd like to think it's more about getting the message to begin with.
I am habitually a "bigger picture" thinker. Or at least I see myself as one. I am also habitually neutral where I can separate myself from the emotion of a thing. It wasn't always so, but emerged as a defense mechanism against feeling such pain ever again. The story I read from you has the apparent ability to make me focus on who that teenage boy I once was. Uncomfortable everywhere, angry at everyone, ready to fight all comers but inside so desperately afraid and lacking the wisdom to understand why.
Perhaps that's what was meant to be. For him to be forgotten until such time as I possessed the wisdom to process and understand those inner turmoils. A side effect of that however, is that now I bring my quiet place with me everywhere I go. Not I a healthy way, but in a way that makes the rest of the world less real, and thus, less able to hurt me. Inside this quiet place that I take everywhere I constantly study myself in all things but important things get filtered that otherwise wouldn't if I'd ventured from the quiet place long enough.
This manifests in very real ways. My memory is shamefully short. My attention span non existent which is why often what I write will have subtle or not so subtle grammatical errors. I literally lose train of thought as I'm saying it.
I imagine your post was not meant to reflect as deep a sentiment as I am apparently deciding to make public but that's alright. Before today I'd have said I've never ran from anything or anyone but now...I think I'd be a liar if I did so.
As I said, a great post. It did what I think writing was meant to do. Inspire growth, make truths more obvious, and to make something better.
That's very kind of you, Ryan. I appreciate it very much.
Also, there is no need to be held up to "a perfect standard", and you have my permission to ramble as much as you like, even if you feel like you went off track.
We're all simply... human.
No matter our internal wiring or past circumstances.
That's a very tough read. I actually find my hands very slightly shaking. I've not thought of life framed from that perspective because it's not in my nature to allow myself what some would see as weakness. I wrestle those feelings into some form of submission while I am forced to be immersed in them. When I think I've found one of those sought after rooms is when they break free and I must stare them down if I am ever to have a hope of living with them more comfortably, or banishing them entirely. The latter is likely a fools hope for me.
So I do what I am most comfortable with. I wrestle them into submission when I must, and ignore them when I can no longer keep them pinned. At all times however, they are sitting in my pocket, or on my shoulders, never far from influence.
Leaving the abstract behind momentarily, what this means for me is that somehow, in a manner unclear to me I developed the ability to be aware of those feelings but to also partition them somehow ( best way I can explain it ) to a place where a small part of me can actively fight them while the rest of me wears a mannerism that screams "Im not approachable".
It's an uneasy thing, especially when I give it any attention. The smallest acknowledgement seems to bring those aspects of me closer to the front. I do not know if I am getting the message how you meant to give it, or if I am way off base, but I also think maybe that's not so important. I'd like to think it's more about getting the message to begin with.
Be well.
Thanks for the comment. Much appreciated Ryan.
Society isn't configured correctly for neurodivergent people.
The sensory overwhelm is disconcerting, and that's why I opt for quiet spaces.
Ones that allow you to feel...
Whole.
Calm.
Grounded.
But most importantly, human.
I am habitually a "bigger picture" thinker. Or at least I see myself as one. I am also habitually neutral where I can separate myself from the emotion of a thing. It wasn't always so, but emerged as a defense mechanism against feeling such pain ever again. The story I read from you has the apparent ability to make me focus on who that teenage boy I once was. Uncomfortable everywhere, angry at everyone, ready to fight all comers but inside so desperately afraid and lacking the wisdom to understand why.
Perhaps that's what was meant to be. For him to be forgotten until such time as I possessed the wisdom to process and understand those inner turmoils. A side effect of that however, is that now I bring my quiet place with me everywhere I go. Not I a healthy way, but in a way that makes the rest of the world less real, and thus, less able to hurt me. Inside this quiet place that I take everywhere I constantly study myself in all things but important things get filtered that otherwise wouldn't if I'd ventured from the quiet place long enough.
This manifests in very real ways. My memory is shamefully short. My attention span non existent which is why often what I write will have subtle or not so subtle grammatical errors. I literally lose train of thought as I'm saying it.
I imagine your post was not meant to reflect as deep a sentiment as I am apparently deciding to make public but that's alright. Before today I'd have said I've never ran from anything or anyone but now...I think I'd be a liar if I did so.
As I said, a great post. It did what I think writing was meant to do. Inspire growth, make truths more obvious, and to make something better.
That's very kind of you, Ryan. I appreciate it very much.
Also, there is no need to be held up to "a perfect standard", and you have my permission to ramble as much as you like, even if you feel like you went off track.
We're all simply... human.
No matter our internal wiring or past circumstances.